The Newest Adventure: Deutschland

May 21, 2012

Siegen, Germany

Once again, here I find myself in the enchanting land of Europe. I believe that some people would term this repetition as addiction, but I prefer to call it passion. Just over one month ago, I received a final word from the international office in Berlin that I had not made the final cut for the DAAD Study and Internship Program; I was devastated. My world whirled for only a few minutes as I struggled to find my list of plans B through E; I had prepared for this moment just in case but the rejection hit me hard nonetheless. Within an hour, I had filled out an application to Sejong University in Jochiwon, South Korea, created a list of programming ideas to keep me excited for being a Resident Assistant at my own University in case I needed to stay, filled out a budget for a French school in case I could gain acceptance for the fall and had called my mother. I marched into the Center for International Exchange at my home university the very next morning and presented my circumstances to the coordinator. She looked at me confusedly and inquired, “I thought you wanted to go to Germany?” 

Well, that IS what I thought. I wanted to go to Germany because of so many reasons really: I wanted to expand my language repertoire, I wanted to study at one of their top international business schools, I wanted to be back in Europe and I wanted to be near my boyfriend, Björn. We had decided in February of 2012 when he came to sweep me back off my feet that we couldn’t possibly continue living without the other in our lives. Strangely, I had applied to the SIP in Germany before he even came back because I was so taken with the idea of this competitive program and prestigious university in Cologne. Now, here I sat in the international office with love back in my life but no ticket to Germany.

My coordinator pondered for several very long minutes between my anxious eyes and my application and then quickly turned to her computer, murmuring something under her breath. Typing quickly and dragging a file with my name into the attachment box of an email, she smiled, “What if we sent you to Cologne anyway?” Here’s the part where my heart stopped. No, there were no romantic beat-skippings taking place; my heart just took a brief vacation from pumping my blood in order to wander around the room for a minute. “Seriously? Was that ever an option? It’s not on any of the catalogues or website and I talked to everyone in the office and…” She stopped me short. “I know, Bethany. Let’s make an exception.”

I walked out of the study abroad office that day with all of my other applications and plan Bs still in my hand and a soaring heart (it had graciously decided to return to my chest). The University of Northern Colorado had decided to send me to my university of choice as an ambassador and hoped to create a solid exchange program with them following the success of my exchange. There was the possibility of scholarships, I had already filled out my course lists and glanced over living accommodations and area transportation because I had applied to their school through the SIP earlier that month. It was all in place. My family was a bit shocked that everything was happening so quickly and, admittedly, so was I. Björn’s jaw dropped when I told him the news that I would be living in Germany, at a school only 90 minutes from him, for 15 months. We planned to start our time together in June and I would stay with him and his hilarious roommate, Miki, over the summer.

On the 14^th of May, 2012, less than a month later, I was on a morning plane to Deutschland to surprise my adoring boyfriend for his 23^rd birthday. I had coordinated with several of his friends and the surprise went down with few hitches; he was shocked for several hours, kept kissing me and wouldn’t dare let me go. That night, he whispered to me while his arms were lovingly wrapped around me, “Baby, I can’t believe you’re here. Please still be here when I wake up.” 

Now the 21^st of May, I’m still here, completely relaxed, absolutely blessed by the Lord, totally in love and I couldn’t be happier with the way life has changed. I have an extensive list of wonderful things, ancient places and lovely people to visit this summer. Björn will finish his semester in July and then we’ll take a vacation to someplace exotic, romantic and new (maybe Croatia) with my best friend Gena, her Czech boyfriend David and perhaps Miki and his girlfriend as well. I will move to Cologne in August or September and then begin my studies until the end of July 2013. 

This is me. This is my life: always on an adventure.

What's Next: Death Defying Gravity

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Greeley, CO USA

Plunging deep below the 59◦ Fahrenheit waters of Table Rock Lake in Missouri led me to my longest and deepest dive coupled with a face to face conversation with death, Christ and myself. I had the magical experience of seeing my first ship wreck lodged onto some silt covered rocks and bashfully hiding her damaged port side. “Miss Gayly,” as I discovered after some gentle exploration on her hull with a fingertip and a flashlight, had sunken with a hit to the side and the key still in the ignition. No one knows what happened to her passengers, but I felt as if I had my own mystery tale to unravel.

Continuing on, my father and the guide, AJ, and I had difficulties with visibility as we meandered over the cliff edge and dove deeper down into the darkness. Though the sun ruled the surface waters on that breezy but beautiful Wednesday, silt and algae took their claim on the depths. In the 1970s, a city called Oasis, Missouri was evacuated and drowned out by the damming of the river to create a reservoir. To this day the city, several boats and a forest remain untouched and unmoving below the surface as the bottom plunges to roughly 225 feet deep. The forest itself, around 88 feet down and off the edge of a smooth cliff is hauntingly beautiful. Her shadows lie a few feet from each other and unraveled their tales to my doubting eyes slowly as my fins cautiously navigated the water behind me. As I desperately tried to maintain sights on my father swimming in front of me, hold my flashlight in a generally straight manner despite the pesky light refraction underwater, maintain neutral buoyancy, navigate the trees and keep my goggles cleared, a renegade shadow branch grasped my regulator cord and ripped it out of my mouth. In my attempts to regain my mouthpiece, time slowed to a standstill and I floated helplessly in a desperate strain toward oxygen and sight in the blackened, gloom of the forest. I felt as if I was hanging from a limb, weightless, stranded and face to face with Monsieur la Mort, gentleman of the demise. He looked me straight in the eye and asked me one question; “Are you prepared to meet your maker and end this strange adventure you call life here on earth?” Silent, yet still reaching for my lifeline, I felt a gentle and bizarre peace set over my shoulders and slide over my wetsuit until it had engulfed me. “Yes, I am. I am ready to die.” In uttering these words to whomever I was talking to, two things came to me quite suddenly and abrasively.

1.)    I had not said goodbye to my mother.

2.)    I had not told the man I loved that I, indeed, loved him.

I knew full well that my friends and family knew how much I loved them, for I sought to show it and express it as often as possible, yet for some reason I could not shake these two things. Death raised an eyebrow. “So, what’s the conclusion then, darling?” In this moment, I imagined Christ himself handing me my regulator and murmuring gently, “Bethany, I have so many plans for you. I want you to continue to love and continue to learn. Keep swimming.”

Suddenly, as I placed my regulator back into my desperate mouth and cleared it of un-breathable water, time rushed back into place and I could hear the familiar repetition of respiration as my own life bubbles danced in the water above my head. Keep swimming. Keep loving. Keep learning. Those are tasks toward which I can strive. Those are tasks that I can handle. Those are tasks that I adore, in fact.

Though I became lost a time or two after that and I continued to view caves, cracks, cliffs and catfish, this memory haunted my soul. Among the shadows of a forgotten forest, I came face to face with something that used to scare me and realized that I have but two regrets. I saw my mother again, so that was taken care of. As for number 2, I called him a few days later and my heart is still smiling.

What's Next: Today I Need.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Reeds Spring, Missouri, USA

As I start my day today amongst the hugs and happiness of a stirring, Blackburn family, I notice how the sun is hesitant to shine. Today, I really need it to shine because my father and I are taking a daddy/daughter trip to SCUBA dive the infamous Table Rock Lake, a lake in which I have swam since I was tinier than the majority of fish that dominated her waters. Today, I really need it to shine in order to stay warm as I slip beneath the gentle waves caused by the renegade boater who is slightly less daring than I as he grazes the top of the lake. Today, I really need it to shine because I am trying so hard to keep my wits and smile about me and ignore the pressing blur that keeps setting in as of late. Today, I really need it to shine because I want a reminder from God that everything really will work out, though I may be missing the other reminders that he is providing me at the moment. But today, I am with my family, so I choose to seek out the little pieces of sunshine inside the house so that I can squish them together and see the love that everyone brings to the Thanksgiving table year after year.

Figure it Out

You know how they say that time will heal all wounds? Well, I would like an extra dose of that medicine, please. I am slowly figuring out that I am going to be okay. I have been reassured by my friends and family that life on my own is what I've been doing before him and can do after him. I am strong, and sometimes it is all too easy to forget that. It hurts, but God granted me a huge bandaid, (I like to think that it has Batman on it) in the form of loved ones surrounding me.
I shall never regret loving, nor should I, but now I am free to love even more so. I have learned so much from this situation and I understand more now how to gently pull my heart back into my own hands. I am in control of my own feelings, thoughts and actions. Therefore, I shall carefully, gradually and continuously reallocate those towards the neglected channels in the forms of my homework, friends and job here at my University.
Life goes on. We're the better for it. Never regret; always forgive.
Life, love and the pursuit of happiness? I don't know; but I'm figuring it out.

My favorite song keeping my dreams alive

Carla Bruni's version of "You Belong to Me"

Everything

The way we were seemed perfect
Who we were felt right
The future laid so clearly
Then blindsided without a fight.

I understand that you love me
I've shown I love you, too.
So why choose this path that's turning
and pushing me away from you?

No matter what, I told you,
I will stand by your side.
You promised me the world and more
I had your heart and you had mine.

Then comes our anniversary
For me, brings memories and smiles
I had no idea your pain
Was so great with all these miles.

I thought I knew your heart so well
Your very thoughts, they spoke to me
You proved me truly wrong today.
Said that we could no longer be.

My darling, I still love you so.
I'm convinced that you do, too.
Will pushing me away right now
Just reignite the fire in you?

Somehow, I will accept this news,
Though understanding cannot be.
Babe, you weren't my everything,
But you are everything to me.

The Cure? Culture Shock 3.0

I have found that the best way to cure my culture shock so far is a short list of Bethany Habits. Some come naturally and some are being purposefully created. Whatever the beginning might be, I have the same end in mind: normality. (However, I still can't identify if that's a reasonable or even desirable goal. Perhaps I should shift that to comfortability or belonging, since neither of those have been achieved as of yet).

1.) Fill your schedule. If you're busy enough, you won't have as much time to miss what you left behind. This works most of the time until you have a mental breakdown because you're overwhelmed and suffering from culture shock. In my life, this seems to be a common issue. Therefore, I move on to step two.

2.) Avoid pictures and conversations with those you met abroad; wanderlust will only return at this point. I have failed with this idea, mostly because I think it's unhealthy. Granted, I yearn even more for my home in France when I sift through old photos and Skype with my buddies from abroad but, without doing so, I feel like I would be denying new pieces of myself that I just acquired. If I just bought a new book, I will want to read it even if it reminds me that I can't go back to that store I love so much for a very long time. Not doing so would be ignorant.

3.) Do not search to see how much flights cost to return. I have also failed at this. I search about once a week to see just how much effort, how many extra shifts and how much time off I would need to return to answer the call of my heart to that land far away.

4.) Hide your passport from yourself. This is a great tool if you tend to try to use it too often and are thus suspected of terrorism or at the very least suffering from over-wanderlust syndrom. In my case, it was a joy of looking over my arrival stamps, so I hid it in a "very safe place" that I am still trying to recall.

5.) Hang out with international students and do cultural things. This will indeed help you to feel as if you have switched shoes and can now properly welcome newcomers to your home culture. This is also a great resume builder and eye-opener to the world surrounding. However, it will also increase your urge to follow them back to their countries of origin in order to experience yet another adventure. Deny this if you ever want to lose the culture shock. Accept it it you want to thrive in a global world and to continue on the crazy train. (I chose the latter route).